daved,
i think you're asleep right now, and i'm procrastinating at work. i'm just so excited that i get to see you next month! to finally hold you, kiss you, and tell you how much you're loved. to finally tell you everything that i feel.
i made this site so i could document my feelings as they grow and evolve. i was thinking of gifts to get you when you visit, and i thought of doing this! it's a new year, and it's my first year starting with you. i don't know when i'm going to show you this site, but i think it would be really nice to be able to see how often someone thinks of you and how their thoughts changed over time. i am a pessimist, so i usually wouldn't start such a long-term project for someone, but you're different. i want to see another new year's with you. you have shown me that love is more than a voluntary commitment, that it is more than a practical partnership.
it hasn't been very long, but you have forever changed how i view the concept of love. love is not enduring constant pain. love is not being belittled. love is not waiting every day to be chosen. love is not being his trophy to be shown off but never cared for. love is not staying silent to be accepted. love is not being a second choice. love is not justifying his actions as what you deserve. love is not throwing up what little food you did eat because he started monitoring your weight. love is not getting laughed at for flinching when he raises his hand because you know he hits hard. love is not holding back tears as he assaults you so he doesn't get more upset with you. love is not being told you should be grateful that he settled for you. love is not constantly wondering if you should just kill yourself since the only person willing to love you doesn't even care. love is not any of those things, but i used to think that that's what it took to make it happen.
with you, love is being understood. love is not needing to explain. love is being remembered, even down to the little details mentioned in passing. love is being excited to see that notification every day. love is not having to ask. love is being checked in on. love is comfortable and warm. love is feeling safe enough to talk for hours despite usually having few words. love is not requiring reassurance. love is knowing that life will be okay, even if it's painful. love is choosing to stay every day. love is constantly thinking about how to make you understand just how treasured you are. love is feeling good enough but still wanting to be better for you. love is you!
i'm not delusional. i know things don't always work out. but i hope they do with you. even if we go our separate ways, know that you will always be the person who showed me what it's like to be truly loved.