daved,
you can't come, and you initially lied about the reason why. i don't like you any less, but i'm just so sad...
regarding you not coming, i understand why. i get it. i was just so excited to meet you. yet, i don't feel hope anymore. i have doubts. not about you, but if we'll ever meet. i know it's a weird conclusion to come to, but i grew up with people that let me down over and over. i think that makes me now automatically be afraid that every disappointment foreshadows a continuous pattern. i don't feel any differently towards you, but i don't even have a glimmer of hope that i'll ever get to see you anymore. don't worry, i'll be mindful and tell myself that i'm being unreasonable, and i'll talk to my therapist about it. however, i can't stop the feeling right now. it feels like i'm hanging on to a single thread. continuing to speak to you feels like drinking away problems -- it's to feel better in the moment, but it won't do anything for the future. i know that's a bad conclusion, but that's how i feel for now. don't worry. i'll work on it and reflect. i won't feel like this forever. but i do feel like this now.
regarding the lie... i'm not sure how i feel. i understand why, but you said it yourself, you shouldn't have to feel like you need to lie to me. i just wonder if you've lied before and if you'll lie again. i want to trust you. i know your intentions are good. i trust your intentions. you said you have difficulty in being completely honest and transparent, and that worries me a lot. i won't know if you lie in the future, and apparently you're prone to it. i know you said you're working on it, but i also know that progress isn't always immediate and absolute. i hate being lied to. it makes me feel so stupid, like i felt genuine feelings for nothing. like i gave my all in my reaction to the lie just to find out that you didn't even care. it makes me feel like i'm just a source of entertainment. i know i split really hard, but that's why i don't like being lied to. of course, i'm working on it, but again, progress isn't immediate. please don't lie to me again. i don't want to ever hate you, not even for a second.